Silent Screams

Ever wanted to explode? Yes, of course you have.

If I were a cartoon, this is the moment I'd be transfomed into that star shape and expanding rapidly, bright reds, yellows and all, kickin' atom bomb sound byte accompanying.

I'm attempting a financial re-shoot, and it's a very ugly journey. If I could only close my eyes-- ah, but that's how she got here to begin with--it would be easier to endure. Speaking of this ease of endurance. That's another mode of arrival to CitiTanked I'm gonna add here: everything having to be all "easy." Please. While a few beneficial activities are easy for me (inhaled again!) endurance of financial recovery is decidedly not. But it's not supposed to be. Remind me to remember this, People.

My credit score was once 571. That's an old figure; think it's lower than that now, actually. Hey! I live just fne! Don't--pshaw. Roof, air, shoes (that were all the rage 5 1/2 years ago heehee)--really, I'm good. A great many people aren't. I've got a job, I'm over-well-fed...I'm ok. Really, thanks.

No, I just got to thinking about something earlier this morning when I first got in. I was looking at my ReadyDebit balance, reviewing the transaction history, and I saw this $52.00 payment I made to CapitalOne a couple days ago. And I started thinking about that $52.00 and what else I could have spent it on--responsibly I mean. Because I really felt that $52.00 was going to be worth a lot less to Cap1 than it was to me. See, what I had been trying to figure out for awhile prior was how to divide my $402.00 deposit between what I guess is approximately uh... 30+100, no, 250+what else...oh 1000 PG&E hyeah, hah... A BUNCHA CRAP BILLS in other words, easily $1500 to $2000 worth--and that's just the immediately pressing stuff. In reality there's like this additional $5000 debt give or take hangin around back there. Settin' shop. Warm snuggly in bed...eating up all the food... Yeah, all that junk swirling around, so i can't think! but I have to do it, call CapitalOne and just DO something. Thus the $52.00. And a lingering feeling that that transaction cost me more than it earned them.

Yeah, I spent two hours writing this at work, so I'll be back, but...feelin better, first blog post (ever. good job!).

I'ma get back on this subject in a few. Meanwhile, see you soon.